


Dog Tags

by ThymekeNerada



Series: Like a Lifetime [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Blow Jobs, Canonical Character Death in one ending, Destroy Ending, Dog Tags, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hand Jobs, M/M, Post-Leviathan, Pre-Attack on Cerberus Base, Protectiveness, Spacer (Mass Effect), Synthesis Ending, Two Endings, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 14:11:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7760950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThymekeNerada/pseuds/ThymekeNerada
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five vignettes from Shepard's and Kaidan's all too brief relationship: protectiveness, worry, fear, grief and hope. Their time together helps Shepard find out who he is and what he wants apart from being the war hero everybody is proud of. Dog tags play an important role thoughout the entirety of both journeys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dog Tags

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dantes_wombat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dantes_wombat/gifts).



**Always so focused on the mission**

“Lieutenant!”

The shout cuts through the air, and for a split second Kaidan Alenko is disoriented. Shepard. That was Shepard. Where is the commander? Why does he yell across the battle field? _Does he need help_?

Kaidan has been focused on channelling his biotic powers into a force field which he can hurdle at the Geth colossus across from the boulder behind which Kaidan has taken cover. Now the biotics seep back into his body. Kaidan curses under his breath. This is not supposed to happen. His concentration breaks too easily. But the commander…

“ _Kaidan_!”

Kaidan jerks around. It is too late. The Geth hunter behind him aims and takes the shot. Kaidan is knocked hard against the boulder. A sharp pain explodes in his back and everything goes black.

“Alenko down,” a synthetic voice hums. But Kaidan doesn’t hear it anymore.

***

When Kaidan comes to, the commander leans over him. Everything is a blur. Kaidan struggles to focus on the commander’s face. He can’t be sure, but he thinks he can make out a worried frown.

“Alenko, you alright?”

Kaidan groans and tries to sit up. Nah, not yet. He falls back to the ground. Somebody must have stopped the simulation, because he doesn’t hear shooting anymore.

“I guess I have my answer. Let’s get you to the med bay.”

“Won’t be necessary,” Kaidan protests. He pushes away the hands that try to support him and struggles against the pain into a sitting position. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Shepard sounds sceptical.

“Absolutely. The only thing that took some heavy damage is my pride,” Kaidan laments. But that’s not the whole truth. The take down has rattled him more than he likes to admit. He’s glad they are still close to the boulder so he can lean against it to prop himself up.

“Kaidan…” Shepard begins. He reaches out to rest a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. This time there is no mistaking it: the commander does look worried.

“I’m _fine,_ commander,” Kaidan snaps. No, that didn’t come out right. His irritation is not directed at the commander, but at himself. He takes a deep breath and adds: “Just give me a sec.”

Shepard chuckles. “With that attitude. Sure you are alright.”

Kaidan notices that Shepard’s dog tags hang free from his neck. They must have come loose from under the shirt when Shepard was leaning over Kaidan. As the small ripples of the commander’s chuckle run up and down his torso, the two disks of Shepard’s dog tags flitter along with the rhythm. Kaidan is suddenly all too aware of the fact that they are not wearing full body armour, but instead have only donned casual military wear. It’s simply more comfortable for a training session where nobody risks serious injury (or so they thought). Their armour has in-built air conditioning, but even so it gets _hot_ inside those suits during heavy fighting. Now, with no armour on, Kaidan can see droplets of sweat running down the commander’s collarbone. And further. He’s so… close? Kaidan can feel the heat radiating from the commander’s body. His hand is still resting on Kaidan’s shoulder…

Shepard gets up. Kaidan realises he has been holding his breath. Now he slowly exhales. Shepard offers a hand to Kaidan, and this time Kaidan lets the commander pull him up on his feet.

“Alright. Let’s call it a day. We’ve all had enough,” Shepard says.

He looks out over the training ground. A ragged landscape strewn with rocks and platforms lies ahead. It is quite the privilege that they are allowed to practice here. The arena is equipped with the best tech and training bots in the galaxy. They even got some real Geth equip. Usually only Spectres are permitted to use it. But Shepard managed to nag just enough that the council would allow his squad to accompany him.

“Williams, we’re leaving.” Shepard calls across the grounds to the squad member who is checking her guns.

“Already? I was just getting going here.” Ashley complains. The disappointment is thick in her voice. She doesn’t hesitate to come over and join them though. “Is it because of the lieutenant here? Got shot?” Ashley cocks an eyebrow. “There’s nothing like a good old gun, that’s what I’m saying. Biotics just can’t match ‘em,” she continues and demonstratively holsters her gun.

Shepard shakes his head. “Off we go,” he orders.

Kaidan tries to stand and takes a few wobbly steps. His pride won’t allow him to ask for help. But Shepard’s hand is already at the small of his back, carefully guiding him to the exit of the arena.

Kaidan tries hard to pull himself together and swallow down the irritation that is scorching his insides. He got distracted because he thought Shepard needed help. It’s become an instinct, a reflex, really. When enemies close in, and the commander is hard pressed, it’s like a switch or something gets flipped with Kaidan. He needs to _protect_ , even at the cost of his own life. Never mind that the commander is in fact the more capable warrior out of the two of them.

With that kind of carelessness, he might get the entire squad killed one day soon. Focus, he needs to focus on the mission. Like Shepard. _He_ doesn’t get distracted easily. He seems oblivious to Liara’s and Ashley’s advances, and these two don’t try very hard to hide their interest in the commander.

Kaidan sighs. The commander has been a good friend. He takes out time to hang out with Kaidan even though Kaidan is a huge bore. He listens and doesn’t show it when he grows impatient, which he surely does. And most importantly, he takes Kaidan seriously, values his opinion. Kaidan is grateful for it. He can’t remember when was the last time he had a friend like this. Certainly not after Jump Zero. Probably never. Still, Kaidan needs to tone down his protectiveness. He gives Shepard’s arm a grateful squeeze and pushes free from the commander’s hold. He has recovered enough to walk without support.

Shepard stays very close to Kaidan while they head back to the Normandy, just to make sure.

 

**Post-Leviathan**

Shepard is exhausted. Finding the Leviathan, recruiting them to their cause. It’s been humbling. They _are_ the creators of the Reapers after all. If feeling like they are in way above their paygrade wasn’t a constant companion these days… still, sometimes you got to wonder…

He gives the cage of his space hamster a tap of welcome (hey little one, how’s it going?) and smiles wearily when the tiny rodent squeaks in return. A beeping sound alarms him that there is somebody at his door. Shepard thinks he knows what’s about to come.

When he opens the door, he’s standing face to face with a fidgety Kaidan. Tiny black rainclouds are hovering over the other man’s head. Shepard braces himself. There’s something the major has been wanting to get off his chest ever since they returned to the Normandy.

“Don’t do that again, _ever_!” Kaidan blurts out and angrily points a finger at Shepard.

“Kaidan,” Shepard begins, but stops himself. He shrugs in resignation, turns around and indicates for Kaidan to follow him into the room.

Kaidan presses on: “I was worried sick. I…”

“That your professional opinion, major?” Shepard asks wryly.

Shepard’s comeback stops Kaidan dead in his tracks. He frowns at the dig. This is not how Shepard wanted this conversation to go. Kaidan is upset. He worries a lot about Shepard. Most of the time he doesn’t even let on, but today push came to shove… Shepard hates to worry Kaidan. If he had _any_ choice at all, he wouldn’t do it.

Kaidan’s whole demeanour undergoes a rapid change. Where a second ago anger was radiating in waves from his body, he has now gone all quiet. “You could have died,” he whispers.

“Kaidan, I could die any day,” Shepard replies. He tilts his head and smiles sadly.

Kaidan turns away. “I know,” he says. He sits down on the sofa, puts his face in his hands and sighs. “Shepard, I get that putting your life on the line is kind of the job description.” Shepard settles down on the sofa next to Kaidan. It pains him to see the man he cares about so deeply hurt.

Kaidan puts a hand on Shepard’s chest. He slowly traces the line of Shepard’s collarbone with his thumb and then takes Shepard’s dog tags, running them through his fingers. “But. Please, don’t do it without me. Don’t leave me behind.”

Shepard puts his hand above Kaidan’s and gives it a squeeze. Kaidan sounds hoarse when he says: “Seeing you go down there. Knowing there was nothing I could do.”

“Well, you could have gone for a swim yourself.”

“Not. The point,” Kaidan protests.

“Nah?”

“Shepard I did have a point here!”

“I’m sure.” Shepard’s face is now only inches away from Kaidan’s. He grins teasingly.

“I’m serious,” Kaidan says agitatedly. “Stop messing with…” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Shepard has silenced him with a kiss.

“No, Shepard, not fair,” Kaidan complains, but his renewed irritation is already deflating again.

“Why?” Shepard asks in mock astonishment. “Is it not working?”

“What kinda question is that?” Kaidan huffs, and pulls Shepard close, intensifying the kiss. Shepard likes it when Kaidan takes control like this. He likes that there is this one place where he doesn’t have to be everybody’s goddamn CO, and that place is when he is with Kaidan.

Soon they are breathless, aching for more. There’s only so much skin you can touch while you are fully dressed. Only so much friction you can produce while straddling the other.

“Why don’t we take this someplace else?” Shepard suggests. He has Kaidan sitting in his lap, his hands wrapped around the other man’s waist, and is running a thumb along Kaidan’s side. “Not that I don’t enjoy the view.”

Kaidan grins mischievously. “Huh.” He plunges in again, greedily kissing Shepard. Shepard arches forward to meet his lips with Kaidan’s. He licks into Kaidan’s mouth, savouring the taste. He can’t get enough. He wants more, wants all of this man he is cradling in his arms. He shifts a little so that Kaidan’s thigh is rubbing against his groin. Shepard moans, half in pleasure, half in discomfort. He really needs to get Kaidan out of his lap soon, so that he can get rid of his pants. They are too constraining.

Kaidan pulls back, and Shepard immediately misses Kaidan’s mouth. Who knew that being deprived of touch could make you ache so much? Kaidan gets up and laughs when he sees the pout on Shepard’s face. He pulls Shepard up. “Someplace else,” he says and takes the lead. Kaidan in control is such a big turn-on for Shepard.

“Damn, I really enjoy the view.” Shepard says while he follows Kaidan.

Kaidan glances back over his shoulder. “Yeah, I heard that you like to check out my ass every now and then.”

“What…?” Shepard stammers.

Kaidan smirks. “Shepard. Does this…,” he cocks his head, “does this embarrass you?” It is written plain on his face that he draws a great amount of gratification from Shepard’s mortified reaction. “You are cute,” Kaidan crows when Shepard doesn’t answer.

“I’m not… I’m not cute!” Shepard exclaims defiantly.

“Yes. Yes you are. But not many people know it. You try to hide it. You mistake it for insecurity.” Kaidan pulls Shepard’s hands to his lips and places a soft kiss on them. “I’m just lucky you don’t try so hard with me.”

“So who…? Liara…? Garrus? Traynor, it’s Traynor, am I right?”

Kaidan grins mischievously. “You’ll never know. Did they get it wrong?”

“Not… entirely.”

“Thought so.” Kaidan looks at Shepard. The grin that has been playing around his lips vanishes, and his features soften. “Let’s get back to what we were doing,” he murmurs.

Shepard hums in agreement. He takes Kaidan’s face in his hands and they resume kissing. Shepard lets his hands roam over Kaidan’s body. He starts from the shoulders, down the back, along his waist and finally up his belly. He takes a moment to stroke the hair on Kaidan’s belly, then he pushes his hands up to Kaidan’s chest.

“Let me help you with that,” Kaidan mumbles and reaches to take off his shirt.

Shepard stops him. “Slowly. Take it off slowly. We have all the time in the world.” Even though the war with the Reapers has them running from one emergency to the next. Never gives them a breather. Right here, right now. They have all the time they want.

Kaidan takes a step back and begins to pull the shirt over his head. Shepard admires Kaidan’s broad, muscled torso. He can’t help it, he makes a small sound of approval. Kaidan takes that as a cue to go on. His pants come off, and finally, when he pulls down his boxers and his erect cock springs free, he asks: “Still enjoying the view?”

“Very,” Shepard replies.

Suddenly Kaidan has an odd look on his face. Some train of thought seems to have distracted him. “You know. That… kinda strikes me as an odd thing to say. I never really considered the male… physique to be aesthetically pleasing.”

“The ‘male physique’?” Shepard asks with a quirk of his eyebrow.

“Yeah, you know. The male body in general is nice enough. I wouldn’t mind a couple more curves. But then this,” he gestures in the direction of his cock, “not so much. It looks really weird, like somebody slapped it on without giving it much thought. Mind you, I’m strictly speaking from a design point of…”

Shepard looks horrified. “What…?” he blurts out.

“Junk, Shepard. I’m talking about our junk.”

“Did you… did you really just use that word?”

“Yah.”

“Way to kill the mood, Alenko.”

Kaidan laughs. “What I was going to say, if you hadn’t interrupted me in the first place. It’s different with you. I feel myself very much drawn towards…” he takes a step forward and crosses the distance between them, “the whole package?”

“Oh.” Shepard blushes.

Kaidan let his hand wander down to Shepard’s groin. “I enjoy every part of you. In all sorts of places.” He gives Shepard’s hard cock a teasing squeeze.

“ _Oh_.”

“There it is again. You are being cute.”

“You like to mess with me,” Shepard says accusingly and narrows his eyes on Kaidan. He tries to sound indignant, but can’t quite manage. Being so close to Kaidan, having his earthy smell in his nose, it’s too distracting.

“Oh ha. Like to give, but you can’t take, Shepard?”

Shepard raises one eyebrow. “I think we have already disproven that.”

“Nice!” Kaidan exclaims. ”I’m impressed. And turned on.”

“Less talking and more action, major.”

“Couldn’t agree more with you, _commander_. Now, about…” Kaidan tugs at Shepard’s shirt.

At this point they are mostly done with the talking. Maybe they need the messing around as a ritual to get past the awkwardness. At least, Shepard does. Neither one of them has been with a man before. This between them – _they_ – just happened. Shepard in particular needed some getting used to it. Intimacy with somebody he’s emotionally close to. It’s not something he is experienced at, and that lack of experience makes him insecure, initially. After a certain point, however, the awkwardness is gone, talking as a way of coping becomes superfluous and their bodies communicate on a different level.

Quickly, and with a little help from Kaidan who is really impatient at this point, Shepard undresses. A little fumbling, and both of them are good to go again.

Kaidan sits down on the bed. “Now come here,” he orders. Shepard happily complies. He pushes Kaidan back on the bed and climbs on top of him, grinds his lower body against Kaidan. When he dives in for the kiss, his dog tags bump against Kaidan’s chest. He reaches for the chain around his neck to pull them off.

Kaidan grabs Shepard’s wrist and halts the movement. “No, don’t take them off. I like them,” Kaidan says. Shepard smiles. He stores this little detail away in his mind under “things that turn Kaidan on.” It’s an ever growing list that Shepard meticulously keeps. He treasures every item on it.

Now for the next item on that list… Shepard lets his tongue wander up Kaidan’s neck. He pauses a couple of times to suck at Kaidan’s skin, take some of it in his mouth and flick his tongue over it. Kaidan hisses through his teeth. He arches up to nibble at the soft skin under Shepard’s chin, put Shepard pushes him back on the bed.

He shakes his head. “Let me take care of you. If I remember correctly, I still gotta make amends.” As he says that, he uses the hand which he doesn’t need to prop himself up to reach for Kaidan’s cock. He wraps his palm around it and gives it one first, tentative tug. Kaidan moans against Shepard’s mouth.

Next, Shepard takes both of their cocks in his hand and works them more methodically. They both squeeze their eyes shut to cope with their climbing arousal, and pant against each other’s bodies. Kaidan’s hands wander aimlessly up and down Shepard’s back as if seeking for an outlet.

When Shepard lets go of their cocks, Kaidan makes a small, whining sound. He tries to lift his hips in an attempt to get some friction, but Shepard still keeps him pinned to the bed. He’s not allowed to move, not now. Shepard has a plan here. He traces wet kisses along Kaidan’s chest and belly, and plants himself more firmly between Kaidan’s legs. When Kaidan realizes where Shepard is taking this, he lets his head fall back into the cushion. He covers his eyes with his arm and audibly sucks in air through his teeth.

Shepard caresses Kaidan’s thighs, feels his balls with his fingers before he wraps his hand around the shaft of Kaidan’s cock and lets his thumb roam around the tip of it. A tremor goes through Kaidan’s body. “Hell, Shep,” he gasps. Shepard smiles to himself and licks his lips. He hasn’t even started properly. Kaidan always so sensitive, so expressive.

He bends down so he can reach Kaidan’s cock with his mouth. He lets his tongue wander along the entire length, laps a few times at the head before he inserts more of its length inside his mouth. What follows, Shepard has learnt, is really just playing Kaidan’s body by offering as much diversity of stimulation as he can come up with. He uses the tip and back of his tongue, the interior of his mouth, and even his teeth (occasionally and very, _very_ carefully) to tease out a variety of shudders, tremors, gasps and moans from Kaidan.

Kaidan is still covering his eyes with one arm, but his other hand is looking for something, _something_ to brace itself against. Shepard takes it in his own, entangles his fingers with Kaidan’s. His entire body is trembling with pleasure. Shepard savours every little detail of Kaidan’s reactions, catalogues them and stores them away in his mind. He wants to remember it all.

The closer Kaidan draws to the climax of his arousal, the more it becomes a matter of Shepard relaxing his mouth and his throat to try and take in as much of Kaidan as possible. Kaidan actively pushes his hips upwards to burry himself deeper in Shepard’s mouth. Shepard can understand where Kaidan is coming from, but it’s not really helping Shepard to keep his gag reflex under control. He can’t tolerate this insubordination. He uses his free hand to pin Kaidan’s hips down to the bed with some determination.

Kaidan is close now. “I… I can’t. Not much longer…” he stammers.

Shepard reassuringly squeezes Kaidan’s hand. _It’s ok, you don’t need to hold back_ , is what he tries to communicate through the touch. Before this thing with Kaidan started, Shepard would have been very sceptical, reluctant even about the next step. But when they first reached this point. Shepard learnt that he is ok with it, all of it. Kaidan is a quivering mess under Shepard’s touch, and Shepard wants to guide him through the entirety of it.

One last tremor goes through Kaidan’s body, then he goes still. Shepard never lets go of Kaidan’s hand, gently strokes the back of it with his thumb. Considering how expressive Kaidan is while still building up to his climax, he’s very quiet while going over the edge. He just lets out a small, subdued sigh. Shepard feels the contraction of Kaidan’s cock in his mouth shortly before he can taste the come on his tongue. He waits patiently for Kaidan to finish, gathers the liquid in his mouth before he carefully pulls Kaidan’s cock out his mouth and swallows. He rubs his thumb over the tip of the cock to wipe away the last bits of come.

Kaidan is still breathing heavily when he finally opens his eyes again. Shepard smiles contentedly at him. “This was…” Kaidan begins, but Shepard seals his mouth shut with one finger before he can continue.

Kaidan sits up, curling his legs around Shepard, then proceeds to kiss him deeply. Shepard is still a little surprised when he does that. It is, without fail, the first thing Kaidan does after Shepard has given him a blow job. Shepard finds it slightly odd, but maybe it’s Kaidan’s way of saying “thank you” and “I appreciate what you did there.”

Then it’s Shepard’s turn. Shepard wishes this wasn’t necessary. He wishes it could be all about Kaidan tonight. He wants to make up for all the times he has worried Kaidan, has made Kaidan’s crippling migraines even worse. But they somehow need to take care of Shepard’s own erection.

They sit in a tight embrace. Kaidan kisses Shepard’s jaw, the soft skin close to his ear. Gently he bends Shepard backwards to make it easier to reach for Shepard’s cock. The feeling of Kaidan’s strong, warm hands holding him up. Pumping him through his arousal. It’s overwhelming. Kaidan’s dog tags fall against his chest. The feel of the metal on his body makes him shiver, even though the tags are not cold. Through half closed eyes, he can make them out as a silver glint in the dim light of the room. It’s mesmerizing. It doesn’t take long, and Shepard’s come spurts over Kaidan’s hand.

They sit there for some time. Barely moving. Breathing heavily against each other’s necks before they make a short trip to the bathroom to clean themselves up. This, all of this, is still new to them. They are still getting to know each other’s bodies and pleasures.

They lie together in bed, afterwards, holding each other, languidly stroking each other. Neither one of them speaks. It is Kaidan who eventually breaks the silence. “About earlier,” he begins. He turns around in Shepard’s arms to face the other man. “I meant what I said.”

“I know.” Long moments pass before Shepard continues. “I hate to do it. I never…” His voice breaks off. He can’t say more. He doesn’t need to. Everything he feels and thinks is written on his face.

It’s Kaidans turns to wrap his arms around the other man. Shepard sighs and relaxes into the warmth of Kaidan’s body. “You scare the hell out of me with those risky stunts, Shepard,” Kaidan says. “But I guess it’s also part of what I love about you.”

After a while, Kaidan continues. “But Shepard. I mean it. Don’t put yourself at risk while I’m not there. Don’t leave me behind.”

Shepard nods.

“Can you promise?”

“I promise,” Shepard says with sincerity.

(Shepard will only break his promise once. And it will be the hardest thing he’s ever got to do.)

(Well, twice, if you count Omega, but Shepard will decide that it doesn’t count. Kaidan never learnt about it, and Shepard likes to keep it that way. Kaidan worries _all the time_ , no need to add to his burden. Only makes the migraines worse.)

Kaidan chuckles “Your cute shows.”

“With you, it doesn’t feel like insecurity.”

Conflicting emotions cross over Kaidan’s face. He draws Shepard close and places a kiss on his forehead. “I’m glad,” he whispers.

 

**Someone to live for**

The night before their attack on the Cerberus base, Shepard lies restlessly in bed. He has difficulty falling asleep and keeps waking up from nightmares. He huddles closer to Kaidan, who is sleeping easy at Shepard’s back, his arm tucked over Shepard.

The war is drawing to an end. He can barely remember a time before the sole purpose of his life had become fighting the Reapers. It feels like a lifetime. And now all will be over soon. They are headed into the inevitable.

Failure is not an option. Shepard learnt the hard way that he can’t save everyone. But this is different. Everything is at stake, and everybody counts on him to pull them through. His crew, the fleet, the council – they all seem to think that he can work miracles. That he’s invincible. It scares him.

And yet, he knows it no other way. Never has. He was born to this. He, the spacer kid with two alliance officers – war veterans themselves – for parents. They raised him to believe that joining the Systems Alliance was his destiny, working to become a decorated officer the target to aim for, and being honoured as a war hero the greatest fulfilment in life (and death). There was never a doubt about what was expected of him.

According to that standard, he has been pretty successful. He defended Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz and was declared a war hero only four years into his military career. He saved the Citadel and the council from Sovereign. He has united the galaxy behind himself for one last decisive push against the Reapers. He always lived up to what people expected of him. “I’m proud of you, son.” Those were his mother’s final words during what might well have been the last conversation they ever had. Proud, yes. Everybody’s proud of what Shepard has achieved. It sets the bar for what they expect of him.

Shepard turns his head so he can see the silhouette of Kaidan’s face in the dark room. Kaidan once said that he’s the luckiest man alive. Shepard is not so sure. Being with him, loving him. It must be like being chained to a comet. Comets burn bright, but invariably they will go out in a blaze. Isn’t that where Shepard is headed? It scares him. But for the first time, he’s not only scared about failing to live up to the standard of a war hero. There is… more.

Before the war he never got down to wondering who he was. What he wanted. He was too successful being who others wanted him to be. It’s different now. This thing he has with Kaidan. It’s fully his. He’s found a piece of himself where he least expected it, in the middle of this goddamn war for the future of the galaxy. And that’s where he realized that he is, in fact, afraid to die. War heroes die. But he wants to live. _Because_ of Kaidan. _For_ Kaidan.

Kaidan. His wish to live. Even the fear he is now feeling. They are all his, truly his, not war-hero-Shepard’s. Shepard doesn’t know how to deal with it.

He shifts, pulls back the blanket and sits up in bed. The love he feels is overwhelming him. Burying his face in his hands, he thinks: _Is it strength? Is it weakness?_ Will it harden his resolve at the decisive moment, or make him hesitant and selfish? It could go either way.

Without intending to do so, he has woken Kaidan. The other man yawns, and, upon finding that Shepard is no longer in his arms but is sitting on the edge of the bed, asks: “What’s up?”

“Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?” Shepard asks. He feels so small, so full of doubt.

Kaidan sighs. He moves to put a hand on Shepard’s back, to convey strength through a simple touch. “We’re ready. You’ve put the people together, the vision. And what you’ve done Shepard, is build hope.”

“I’m glad I inspire that in you. But sometimes…“ Shepard’s voice trails off. He braces himself. “There something I wanted you to have.”

“What is that?” Kaidan asks

Shepard takes the chain with his dog tags that he kept on the bedside table. He pries open the fastener and removes one of the tags from the chain. He opens Kaidan’s hand and carefully places the tag inside his palm. Shepard can tell that Kaidan is reluctant from the way he keeps his whole body taut. “Take it,” he says and closes Kaidan’s fingers around it.

This is important to Shepard. He wants Kaidan to have one of his tags. They are part of his identity. If something happens to him. If he doesn’t make it back.

Kaidan looks at their entwined hands, then focuses on Shepard. His mouth is set in a determined line. He gives one curt nod. “Well, in that case.” He takes his own dog tags and also removes one tag. “Here,” Kaidan says as he holds the tag out for Shepard. “Just to make sure you can’t leave me behind,” he adds.

 _Did he know? In that moment, did he know?_ Shepard will wonder, later.

Shepard takes the tag from Kaidan’s hand. He’s glad his own hand is not trembling. But this right now. It means so much. Exchanging some part of war-hero-Shepard for the new Shepard, the Shepard he’s just learnt exists.

Shepard swallows hard. “It’s time.”

“I know.”

 

**Destroy**

Kaidan sits on the bed in the darkness of Shepard’s cabin ( _it’s yours now, get to terms with it_ ), holding their dog tags in his palm. He prefers it that way, dark, with only the light of the stars flashing by up ahead to keep him company.

He runs his fingers over the tags and traces the lines of their engravings. His index finger instinctively seeks out Shepard’s name. Kaidan tries to conjure up anger and resentment. Shepard broke his promise. He lied to him.

_When this is over, I’m gonna be waiting for you. You better show up._

That’s what he said.

_I’m here. Where are you?_

Kaidan wants to feel betrayed. Wants to feel angry. Anything but the void inside of him. But he can’t. Of course he can’t. How can you be mad at a damn _war hero_ for _doing their fricking job_? Kaidan keeps repeating the last things he and Shepard said to each other over and over in his mind.

_Don’t leave me behind. Can you promise?_

When he said that, when he made Shepard promise, what he really meant was something different. _This time round, don’t go without me._ Kaidan had always known that even if they did win this thing, war didn’t come without casualties. Sacrifices had to be made. He never allowed himself to imagine otherwise. Shepard had died before, and Kaidan’s whole world had simply collapsed. Which was why he never allowed himself to entertain hope, even after they had become lovers. They didn’t have a future. Theirs had always been the present. A stolen moment of intimacy was their lifetime.

But it had been so little.

Specialist Taynor calls him over the comm. “Major. It’s time.”

He slowly closes his eyes, squeezes them shut. “I know.” It’s not her fault. She can’t know.

He doesn’t say anything else for a long time.

“Kaidan…”

“It’s ok.”

“If you don’t think you are up to it, that’s alright. You don’t need to…”

“No, it’s ok. I’m coming. Just give me a moment. I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Ok.”

“Oh and, Samantha?”

“Yes, major?”

“Thanks.”

Kaidan rubs his temples. “Lights on,” he says. Nothing happens. Oh, right… Kaidan feels another stab of loss. He gets up and manually switches on the lights. All the objects that have been hidden emerge out of the darkness. So many memories reside here in Shepard’s room. Technically, it’s his room now. He is the highest ranking alliance officer left on the ship. (Never mind that he was the highest ranking officer even when Shepard was still here. It really was only a formality that Kaidan outranked Shepard, and he had been more than happy to defer authority to Shepard). He could have declined moving into the captain’s cabin. Everybody would have understood if he had chosen to stay in his former quarters. “Well, somebody has to take care of Shepard’s fish. And that hamster. He really liked the little one,” Kaidan said with a shrug when it came up. He also likes to think that it offers some sort of continuity to the crew.

He makes his way to the CIC. Once he emerges from the elevator, the rank-and-file crew salute him. Kaidan can’t get used to it. Rationally, he knows he’s their CO now. But there aren’t many decisions that need to be taken. Their uncontrolled jump after the crucible went off stranded them on an uninhabited garden world. As it turned out, not too far away from Sol. They got lucky, sort of. Once they got the Normandy up and running again – as best as they could manage away from a dry dock and without proper equip – they set a course back to Earth. The detonation of the crucible left the mass relays inoperative, so they have no other option but to make the journey back home with regular FTL travel (a great amount of their time is spent in scanning and probing planets to procure fuel). What this means, basically, is lots of down time with not much to do.

“Hey.” Traynor hurries towards him.

Kaidan greets her with a nod and a smile.

“How are you doing, major?” Traynor asks. Kaidan hears the earnest concern in her voice.

“I’m doing great,” Kaidan replies, and throws her a wry glance.

Traynor blushes. Without saying any more, they make their way to the bridge.

“Joker?” Kaidan asks softly. He doesn’t know how to speak to the Normandy’s pilot. It’s not so dissimilar from the crew’s tiptoeing around Kaidan. Joker’s loss mirrors Kaidan’s all too closely. In fact, Joker is doing worse than Kaidan (at least that’s what Kaidan is telling himself), even though he does a good job hiding it behind inappropriate jokes and sarcastic remarks. But Joker can’t fool Kaidan, they have been close friends for too long. Kaidan can see it in the dark circles under Joker’s eyes, in his slouch. In the way he avoids looking to the right side of the cockpit where EDI used to sit. He’s not handling her death well.

“Got any orders, major?”

“Not right now, no.”

“With all due respect, but we are _crawling_ back home. I’m going crazy.” Joker shakes his head. “I’m sure they started the party without us. We are missing out on all the fun.”

“Yah,” Kaidan agrees. “They better save some of the good stuff for us. When we get there and there’s only Batarian shard whine left. I’ll be so cross.” He puts a hand on Joker’s shoulder. “You coming?”

“Course.”

When they reach deck 3, everybody else is already gathered in front of the memorial wall. Garrus and Tali. Liara. Vega and Cortez and Dr. Chakwas. Javik. They don’t say anything; all of them have already offered their condolences to him in some manner. But they pity him. He can see it in their eyes. While all of them loved Shepard, in their own ways, they know that Kaidan was closest to him, that he and Shepard were lovers at the end. They hadn’t tried to hide it, and nobody would have dreamt of reprimanding them for breaching fraternization protocols.

This is not a memorial service, Kaidan reminds himself. They are here to put up the name plate. Nevertheless, Liara announced that she would like to say a few words. Others came forward and said they would like to speak, too. Kaidan specifically asked to be kept of the roster. Nobody objected. They all treat him with kid-gloves; he hates it.

Kaidan’s arrival is the signal that they start. The others make room so that Kaidan can stand in the middle, closest to the wall. Liara brought the name plate; she hands it to him. Nobody had felt the need to discuss who would put up the plate. The task naturally fell to Kaidan. Everybody makes their little speech. It’s all very moving, he’s sure. But Kaidan prefers to focus on the name plate in his hands and does his best not to listen. Liara speaks the longest. Kaidan has a vague feeling that her speech is not something she just came up with these past few days.

Eventually, all is said and the time has come to put up the plate.

_Whatever happens. Know that I love you. Always._

Kaidan runs his hand over Shepard’s name on the plate. He looks up to the centre of the wall, to where the plate is supposed to go.

_There’s something I want you to have._

Kaidan can feel the tags against his chest. They are pulsating. It almost feels like they have a heartbeat of their own.

_Take it._

Later, people will ask him how he knew. He won’t be able to explain. “In that moment, I just knew,” he will tell them. “I could feel that he’s alive.”

Kaidan smiles, and lowers the plate. Liara steps forward to put a hand on Kaidan’s back and give him comfort. “It’s alright,” she whispers. She must think that he is too overcome by his grief to put up the plate. But that’s not true.

Kaidan pushes the plate back into Liara’s hands and says: “No need to put up that plate just yet.” Liara looks surprised, reluctant even, but nods. Everybody else acquiesces. They’re indulging him. They think that he has come apart under the burden of his grief.

“Everybody, get back to work,” Kaidan says as he heads back to the CIC. “We’re expected in the Sol System.”

_Hold on, my love. Hold on for just a little while longer. I’m coming for you. I got you._

 

**Synthesis (or: How Light Carries on Endlessly)**

Kaidan is still adjusting to how his body feels now. He flexes the muscles of his hand and observes closely as each finger bends to for form a fist and then relaxes again. Half organic and half synthetic. He can’t say that he doesn’t like it. He isn’t old, not in human terms. Not much past thirty. But he is an old soldier, his body torn, ripped, shredded and haphazardly patched back together with some medi-gel slapped on more times than he cares to count, and after a certain point there is only so much anyone could do. He’s gotten used to the chronic ache of old wounds that never properly healed. They have given him trouble over the years. Ever since Mars, his back and shoulders have been the worst. But it is nothing that Kaidan can’t put up with.

Now though, the pain is gone. _All_ pain. The movement of his fingers is subtle, smooth. Gracious. In a way that it wasn’t before. Even before he had become a regular target practice for Geth, Reapers, Cerberus and whatnot.

Suddenly it occurs to him. He is whole again. Or maybe for the first time?

At least his body is.

His heart, he is not so sure. He never liked to think too much about the condition of his heart. He’s always pulled through, from Jump Zero to Virmire to Horizon. He came out stronger. That had to be enough.

But this time? There is no pretending. He is not ok. Not at all. The new melding of organics and synthetics within him can’t change that.

His fingers have found their way to the chain around his neck before he realises it. He runs his thumb over the tags. No, that’s not right. He runs his finger over one tag. _His tag_. The movement soothes him. He can almost pretend it is closeness. Knowing that somewhere, close to its companion, is Kaidan’s own tag. That also comforts him. He didn't know he needed the comfort.

Shepard has saved the galaxy. He really did it. That incredible bastard. Whatever it was he did, it was big. Really big.

Of course it was. Shepard never settles for anything less. Never _settled_ for anything less. He needs to use past tense from now on, Kaidan reminds himself. It’s just so hard. Kaidan squeezes the dog tags in his hand until his fingers shake. Shepard means… meant the world to him.

No that’s not right. Shepard _means_ the world to him. Shepard is not gone. Whatever he did. What he created. Organics and synthetics made one. He’s still here with them. Kaidan can feel it. He just _knows_ it.

The dog tags lie in his hand, side by side. And they are warm.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you everybody for reading! 
> 
> This ficlet was written as a birthday present for the bestest fandom friend a girl could possibly have: Dantes_Wombat. This is the first explicit thing I have ever written. I did it all for you, dear, and I will certainly do it again! 
> 
> If this seems overly angsty please know that I just finished Mass Effect a little over two weeks ago. The pain is still raw. Writing this is my way of working through my MShenko trauma and my general Mass Effect-induced trauma.


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